This weekend, Beloved and I are going to be taking a long motorcycle trip with my cousin and his friends. We're heading north, out of the Sunshine State, and Beloved warned me that the weather was going to be a tad brisk so I should plan on wearing my leather chaps for the ride.
The only problem is, I've put on a few pounds and I don't think I can get in those chaps anymore. So I tell Beloved:
"If I had known I was going to have to get into those chaps, I would have signed up for a colonic and not eaten all week."
Him, confused: "What do you mean? What's a colonic?"
"Nevermind what a colonic is. What I'm saying is that I've put on a few pounds and I don't think I can squeeze into those chaps."
Him, obviously blind with love: "You haven't put on weight. Your butt is as skinny as ever."
"Cute, Hon. But I have put on weight and besides it's not my butt I'm worried about. It's my thighs."
Him, shaking his head in (feigned) bewilderment: "There's nothing wrong with your thighs. You women are crazy about your thighs. Before you go deciding your chaps won't fit, you better try them on. It's going to be cold and you're going to be wishing you were wearing your chaps this weekend."
Hurmpf! So, I get the chaps out this morning to try them on. If you've never worn chaps before, I can tell you they are not easy to get into when you haven't put on weight. So this morning, as I struggled in the 80-degree heat, wearing jeans and a tank top, to put on the chaps, I was grateful that no one else was home. I'm telling you, it was comic. I swear the dogs were laughing.
But, Voila! I got them on. So I decided I would wear them around the house for a few hours in the hopes that they would stretch. Because right now, I look as if I've got a pumpkin shoved into the back of my jeans everything has been squeezed so tight.
By the way Wondertwin, I can hear you laughing.