I'm Not That Kind of Mom

I write a monthly column for a local parent magazine. However, what I write is more like an Erma Bombeck column because I offer no real advice or useful information, just observation and satire (kind of like this blog only much more sanitized). I leave it up to the other writers who are parents to provide parenting tips and advice.

So my deadline is this week for the Back to School issue. I'm stumped. I've done Back to School columns several times. So I go to Facebook and ask my "friends" to give me some ideas on what I should cover in my Back to School themed column.

It was hilarious! The suggestions I got were all well-meaning and actually good suggestions. But I couldn't help thinking "Do these people know me?!?"

Since my loyal readers of the blog know that I'm a slacker mom who has a free-range parenting style, I thought I'd share some of the suggestions I got and what I thought about each.

Suggestion No. 1: Write about non-traditional school options like homeschooling 
Me: Homeschooling? My goal is to get my daughter OUT of the house. I happily pay my school taxes and then some for the saving grace that is someone else dealing with her 5 days a week.

Suggestion No. 2: Ways you can help your child's teacher like buying supplies or helping out in the classroom.
Me: I buy plenty of supplies for the classroom every year and don't mind doing so. But I've learned to stick to the supply list ever since those little child-sized straight jackets I sent were not well received. As far as helping out in the classroom, see my answer to question number 1.

Suggestion No. 3: Recommend that parents let their children ride their bikes to school this year. The kids will get exercise and the parents can save money on gas. 
Me: Now, this is an idea I can embrace! I'm an old fashion parent in that I DON'T think my child will get snatched if she plays in the front yard without me watching her every move. However, I can only imagine how much hate mail the magazine would receive if one of their writers actually suggested that parents not only let their child walk to a bus stop, but actually (GASP!!) ride their bike to school (I mean, that's actually beyond the cul de sac!). The editor just doesn't deserve to attract the ire of the helicopter moms.

By the way that last suggestion came from a friend who has no children.

I'll let you know what I come up with.

The Notebook

"I found the notebook Amy wanted," my favorite middle stepson tells me yesterday, very proud of himself. Amy is a girl who is a "friend," who everyone else knows is just in love with favorite middle stepson. He chooses to ignore this fact.

Why does Amy need a notebook, I ask.

"Today's her birthday so I got her the notebook. I found it at Wal-Mart."

Is this some special notebook?

"No, the MOVIE. She wanted that movie The Notebook, so I got it for her birthday. We're having a birthday party for her tonight."

Have you ever watched The Notebook, I inquire.

"No, but it's probably some sort of chick flick, right?"

You're not going to like it. There are no zombies and no aliens.

"Great," he says with a sigh. "Does anyone get punched?"

No, no one gets punched.

One Legged Chicken - The Other White Meat

Beloved, MiniMe and I went to my mom & dad's place in St. Augustine on Sunday for a cookout. For all of you who don't know, and for those of you who do - a reminder, I'm a vegetarian and have been for about 4 years. However, I NEVER ask anyone to cook anything special for me, nor do I ever say anything if we're at someone's home for dinner and it's a Meat-A-Saurus meal.

Back to my story.

We get there and my mom says "We're having ribs and I bought chicken for you since you don't eat meat."

Here we go again. After 4 years, my mom still thinks that if she serves me chicken or turkey, that's vegetarian.

MiniMe looks at me with an expression that conveys "Am I missing something here?" Go ahead, I tell her, you explain it.

"Mimi, chicken is meat, mom doesn't eat meat."

"You don't eat chicken? Well I thought you ate chicken?"

I say to MiniMe "Give her the 2 and 4 leg explanation."

MiniMe recites my mantra "Mom doesn't eat anything with 2 or 4 legs. Chickens have 2 legs," and smiles because she's getting to "correct" an adult.

"Well!" my mom huffs, "This was a one-legged chicken so I guess you can eat it!"